So I was in Alberta
back in 2002. It was summer. August. My cousin
and I were driving from High Level to Edmonton
when the transmission in our 1987 Plymouth
K-Car died. We ended up getting towed to
the nearest town, High Prairie, where we
left the car with a mechanic and checked
into a pink motel called the Pink Rodeo Motor
Inn. The first night we stayed, we watched
three wolves kill and eat one of the goats
that lived among the tires and trash in the
field behind the place.
That was pretty fucked up.
We found out that it was going to take a
few days for the mechanic to get a new transmission
from Edmonton, so we decided to stay in town
and wait. We spent the first day wandering
around. We found a dollar store that sold
Angela Lansbury brand deodorant sticks for
only 69 cents each, so we bought about a
fifteen of them.
You never know when you're going to be invited
to a special event where you're required
to bring a gift.
There was this Chinese Restaurant that was
decorated like the old west. We ate lunch
there. The waiter was this tall guy with
long, greasy hair and a nose that looked
like if you squeezed it yohgurt would explode
from the nostrils.
"What can I get you girls?" he
"I'd like the chicken fried rice, please," I
said, "and an egg roll."
Then he took my cousin's order and disappeared
into the kitchen.
"That guy looked familiar." Said
said, because it was true.
"I think I know that guy from somewhere." She
"Yeah. Maybe he looks like someone
from home." I said.
"Yeah, that must be it." She
said. We sipped our waters and admired
of a suspiciously asian-looking John Wayne
shooting an indian in the back of the head,
waiting for our meals to arrive.
We waited for half a damn hour before the
waiter came back to the table. But he didn't
have our food. There was a guy holding a
camcorder behind him, but there wasn't any
food. The waiter grinned at me and the guy
with the camcorder came up close to my face.
"Where's our food?" said
"It's me!" said the waiter, "Chad
My cousin and I looked at each other. We
looked at the waiter. We could see now that
he was, in fact, Chad Kroeger..
"We'd just like our food," I said, "is
Chad Kroeger looked
confused. He said, "It's
me!" again, but he could tell that we
weren't impressed. So then he started to
sing. The guy with the camcorder chuckled
like it was the cleverest thing in the world.
The other people in the restaurant craned
their necks and stared over at our table.
"....never made at a wise man, never
made it as a waiter in a Chinese Restaurant!" He
kept winking at us every time he changed
"Look, Chad, chad-" I interrupted, "...we
know who you are and everything, but our
car just broke down yesterday and we're stuck
here and we're really, really hungry. I know
you're probably filming some kookie muchmusic
surprise thing, but could you at least bring
me my fucking egg roll, please?"
Chad Kroeger looked stunned.
Then he looked mad.
Then he looked frightened.
Then he looked mad again.
He marched into
the kitchen, got my plate of fried rice,
and threw it at the wall.
It landed on the Chinese John Wayne's crotch.
Then he flipped over a bunch of tables. Then
he lunged at me, grabbed me by the hair and
dragged me into the kitchen, screaming, "You
KNOW me, bitch! Bitch, you LOVE ME! I AM
FUCKING CHAD KROEGER of NICKELBACK, YOU SLUT!
He plunged my head into the deep-fryer as
one would normally plunge a head into a toilet
The pain was excruciating.
Chad Kroeger then
stripped me naked, put his foot on my still-sizzling
his Gap(TM) khakis and masturbated all over
my breasts. The cook was screaming, "Call
ambulance! Call police! Somebody call somebody
I blacked out.
When I woke up, I was in the burn unit of
Edmonton's university hospital. I had two
little peep-holes to peep through my bandages.
My face had been deep-fried to a crisp, my
nose was broken and my dignity gone.
I ended up staying in hospital for three
weeks. On the 21st day, a bouquet of roses
arrived. My cousin, who had been keeping
vigil by my side, opened the card for me.
"Oh my god!" she said, "It's
a ticket and a backstage pass to the next
Nickelback show in Toronto!"
Fuck you, Chad Kroeger. You ruined my meal.
You deep-fried my face. You wanked all over
my chest in front of guy holding a camcorder.
Chad Kroeger, I hope you guzzle puss in the
pussiest pore of the pimpled skin of hell.