Victoria BC
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Nickelback Sucks
Short Story Winner


So I was in Alberta back in 2002. It was summer. August. My cousin and I were driving from High Level to Edmonton when the transmission in our 1987 Plymouth K-Car died. We ended up getting towed to the nearest town, High Prairie, where we left the car with a mechanic and checked into a pink motel called the Pink Rodeo Motor Inn. The first night we stayed, we watched three wolves kill and eat one of the goats that lived among the tires and trash in the field behind the place.

That was pretty fucked up.

We found out that it was going to take a few days for the mechanic to get a new transmission from Edmonton, so we decided to stay in town and wait. We spent the first day wandering around. We found a dollar store that sold Angela Lansbury brand deodorant sticks for only 69 cents each, so we bought about a fifteen of them.

You never know when you're going to be invited to a special event where you're required to bring a gift.

There was this Chinese Restaurant that was decorated like the old west. We ate lunch there. The waiter was this tall guy with long, greasy hair and a nose that looked like if you squeezed it yohgurt would explode from the nostrils.

"What can I get you girls?" he said.

"I'd like the chicken fried rice, please," I said, "and an egg roll."

"Okay." He said.

Then he took my cousin's order and disappeared into the kitchen.

"That guy looked familiar." Said my cousin.

"Yes." I said, because it was true.

"I think I know that guy from somewhere." She said.

"Yeah. Maybe he looks like someone from home." I said.

"Yeah, that must be it." She said. We sipped our waters and admired the mural of a suspiciously asian-looking John Wayne shooting an indian in the back of the head, waiting for our meals to arrive.

We waited for half a damn hour before the waiter came back to the table. But he didn't have our food. There was a guy holding a camcorder behind him, but there wasn't any food. The waiter grinned at me and the guy with the camcorder came up close to my face.

"Surprise!" said the waiter.

"Where's our food?" said my cousin.

"It's me!" said the waiter, "Chad Kroeger!"

My cousin and I looked at each other. We looked at the waiter. We could see now that he was, in fact, Chad Kroeger..

"We'd just like our food," I said, "is that okay?"

Chad Kroeger looked confused. He said, "It's me!" again, but he could tell that we weren't impressed. So then he started to sing. The guy with the camcorder chuckled like it was the cleverest thing in the world. The other people in the restaurant craned their necks and stared over at our table.

"....never made at a wise man, never made it as a waiter in a Chinese Restaurant!" He kept winking at us every time he changed the lyrics.

"Look, Chad, chad-" I interrupted, "...we know who you are and everything, but our car just broke down yesterday and we're stuck here and we're really, really hungry. I know you're probably filming some kookie muchmusic surprise thing, but could you at least bring me my fucking egg roll, please?"

Chad Kroeger looked stunned.

Then he looked mad.

Then he looked frightened.

Then he looked mad again.

He marched into the kitchen, got my plate of fried rice, and threw it at the wall. It landed on the Chinese John Wayne's crotch. Then he flipped over a bunch of tables. Then he lunged at me, grabbed me by the hair and dragged me into the kitchen, screaming, "You KNOW me, bitch! Bitch, you LOVE ME! I AM FUCKING CHAD KROEGER of NICKELBACK, YOU SLUT! FUCK YOU!"

He plunged my head into the deep-fryer as one would normally plunge a head into a toilet bowl.

The pain was excruciating.

Chad Kroeger then stripped me naked, put his foot on my still-sizzling face, unzipped his Gap(TM) khakis and masturbated all over my breasts. The cook was screaming, "Call ambulance! Call police! Somebody call somebody now! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!"

I blacked out.

When I woke up, I was in the burn unit of Edmonton's university hospital. I had two little peep-holes to peep through my bandages. My face had been deep-fried to a crisp, my nose was broken and my dignity gone.

I ended up staying in hospital for three weeks. On the 21st day, a bouquet of roses arrived. My cousin, who had been keeping vigil by my side, opened the card for me.

"Oh my god!" she said, "It's a ticket and a backstage pass to the next Nickelback show in Toronto!"

Fuck you, Chad Kroeger. You ruined my meal. You deep-fried my face. You wanked all over my chest in front of guy holding a camcorder. Chad Kroeger, I hope you guzzle puss in the pussiest pore of the pimpled skin of hell.




Malcontent Media